This is not my ceiling
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
