If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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