Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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