where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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