He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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