if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
