woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
