You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize