Your mouth is God's brothel.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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