I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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