I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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