I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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