Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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