my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
