My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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