out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
