You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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