are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
