Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
