I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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