My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
