i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
