I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This toilet bowl is my home.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
