last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
