The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize