just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
