Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude i'm inner monologue high
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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