I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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