I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
