im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
