I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just want nice things and good sex
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
