Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
