Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
