Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
