He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
organizing the empties. That sober.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
