remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
