Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
