why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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