she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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