your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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