you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He did a backflip because drugs
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
