i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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