I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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