Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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