first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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