I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
