8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
