Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
