So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
