So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
