When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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