Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
