the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
