WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
