I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
