I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
