The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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