I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
