We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
