My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
