my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
