I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
