First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
