dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
