I need to stop coming to work sober
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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