U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
