She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize