i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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