im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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