he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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