so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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